Monday, July 23, 2007

transparency

I know my strengths, which, incidentally, happen to be my weaknesses. It's only through these weaknesses that I've been able to accept the reality of what's going on around me: The inconsistences in the the world and the people in it. Only I can't seem to stomach the whole thing. Reality, that is. I only allow myself a little of it at a time. I wonder if this is what keeps me from totally facing who I am. It's a protection that keeps me sane and at least partially functional. Well, I may be quite jaded by this point, but it doesn't stop me from disappointing others. I've grown so used to those limp-faced expressions, drained of all hope, tired and fed up, I don't even try to defend myself anymore. I simply mirror their faces with my dead-eyed glare, as if to say, "You couldn't possibly be any more disgusted with myself than I am, trust me, it's not worth it to try."

I've realized that I can't remember the last time I actually jumped to my own defense. I'm much bolder in my posts than I am with the people who doubt me in my everyday life. I'm no shrinking violet, not by any standards, but I've ingested so much crap over the years that I've silenced myself when what I really need to do is shout. Or at least protest loudly...It's so much easier to be detached, and not get involved with things, and to above all act as if nothing can harm you if you won't let it. This is the hardest thing to admit: Everything gets to me. I hate my own sensitivity so much and I've stuffed it down for so long that it has burst forth, and become nearly impossible to control, growing arms, and legs, and even a mind of it's own like some mythological beast.

Every rebuff, rejection, correction, critique stings that much more because it's repeated again and again in my mind. I've been indoctrinated, it's a bug in my ear I can't seem to shake; it's just a part of me now. But just seeing all the flaws, both small and large, is not going to get me anywhere. I've skipped the part where you learn to live with them; the part where you grow from them, and move on, you know? The part where most of you are succeeding. I caught between deciding whether to try to be a completely different person, letting go of old and tiresome habits that are toxic to my health, or just giving in and accepting myself as I am, and trying to find joy in what I have now. Both seem very appealing, and there must be a happy medium somewhere. I'm probably not looking hard enough. It's mind boggling to think that I could have both, it's too good to be true!

Anyway, sorry for the depressing-and disjointed-post, I'm feeling discouraged and frustrated with myself today. Sometimes I feel that I'll never fit it anywhere with anyone, and even though I know that is a childish way of looking at things, life has a way of proving my theory right. It's as if all my mistakes and failures are visible in every interaction I have with people. Then, of course, I'm not able to convince myself that these missteps are "strengths" or blessings. Unless being awkward and self-concious are blessings in disguise, heh. I get this creepy feeling that people can see right through me, to the heart of me. The more I try to cover up, the more I try to hide from people, the more transparent I become...So transparent that all that's left is a ghost of a person, all the more easy to forget or ignore. I know even I've forgotten who I am, but then I wonder if I ever really did know. And if I did once know, why did I let her go? And why is it so painful to try to find her again?

3 comments:

Celine said...

hugshugshugs to you, Danu. I wish I could help you not feel so down on yourself. :(

danucal said...

But you have helped me, Celine. I'm prone to having bad days, but it's good to know that there are people out there who care, and who won't judge me because I'm not perfect, you know? I really appreciate it. :~)

Celine said...

how are things, D? I miss your posts!