Lacuna Bubbles...

transparency

2007-07-23T21:58:00.000-07:00

I know my strengths, which, incidentally, happen to be my weaknesses. It's only through these weaknesses that I've been able to accept the reality of what's going on around me: The inconsistences in the the world and the people in it. Only I can't seem to stomach the whole thing. Reality, that is. I only allow myself a little of it at a time. I wonder if this is what keeps me from totally facing who I am. It's a protection that keeps me sane and at least partially functional. Well, I may be quite jaded by this point, but it doesn't stop me from disappointing others. I've grown so used to those limp-faced expressions, drained of all hope, tired and fed up, I don't even try to defend myself anymore. I simply mirror their faces with my dead-eyed glare, as if to say, "You couldn't possibly be any more disgusted with myself than I am, trust me, it's not worth it to try."

I've realized that I can't remember the last time I actually jumped to my own defense. I'm much bolder in my posts than I am with the people who doubt me in my everyday life. I'm no shrinking violet, not by any standards, but I've ingested so much crap over the years that I've silenced myself when what I really need to do is shout. Or at least protest loudly...It's so much easier to be detached, and not get involved with things, and to above all act as if nothing can harm you if you won't let it. This is the hardest thing to admit: Everything gets to me. I hate my own sensitivity so much and I've stuffed it down for so long that it has burst forth, and become nearly impossible to control, growing arms, and legs, and even a mind of it's own like some mythological beast.

Every rebuff, rejection, correction, critique stings that much more because it's repeated again and again in my mind. I've been indoctrinated, it's a bug in my ear I can't seem to shake; it's just a part of me now. But just seeing all the flaws, both small and large, is not going to get me anywhere. I've skipped the part where you learn to live with them; the part where you grow from them, and move on, you know? The part where most of you are succeeding. I caught between deciding whether to try to be a completely different person, letting go of old and tiresome habits that are toxic to my health, or just giving in and accepting myself as I am, and trying to find joy in what I have now. Both seem very appealing, and there must be a happy medium somewhere. I'm probably not looking hard enough. It's mind boggling to think that I could have both, it's too good to be true!

Anyway, sorry for the depressing-and disjointed-post, I'm feeling discouraged and frustrated with myself today. Sometimes I feel that I'll never fit it anywhere with anyone, and even though I know that is a childish way of looking at things, life has a way of proving my theory right. It's as if all my mistakes and failures are visible in every interaction I have with people. Then, of course, I'm not able to convince myself that these missteps are "strengths" or blessings. Unless being awkward and self-concious are blessings in disguise, heh. I get this creepy feeling that people can see right through me, to the heart of me. The more I try to cover up, the more I try to hide from people, the more transparent I become...So transparent that all that's left is a ghost of a person, all the more easy to forget or ignore. I know even I've forgotten who I am, but then I wonder if I ever really did know. And if I did once know, why did I let her go? And why is it so painful to try to find her again?

this is the last beginning

2007-07-10T08:38:00.000-07:00

I've completely clammed up. Everytime I start to write it's as if someone has stuck a plug in the drain. I tend to do this when I feel like I'm being overly confessional about things. It's not that I'm afraid to share, I can be very open-too open sometimes with my feelings-so I clam up in an attempt to check myself, make sure I haven't gone too far, you see.

It's a very weird thing to write a blog as if you are writing in a personal diary. I think the thing that helps me to put myself out there is that I've dropped the idea I had when I was a teenager that I'm this super complex, and esoteric individual, and started to assume that my situation is not so different from anyone else. I can whisper my secrets here with some ease because I know that so many of my fears and deep thoughts have been experienced and lived out by the people who read my posts. But old habits still die hard: My life tends to take on this cyclical pattern where I feel that after making it to a certain point I must start all over again..I open up, spread out, put down roots, and then allow myself to wither on the vine because I'm afraid I've overstepped my boundaries. The boundaries I've put on my own life. Somehow I think I'll reach my goals this way. Hasn't worked so far, and I've nearly perfected this technique. Let's try something new.

One very practical (that word "practical" makes me very anxious) thing that I've started to do to try to break the cycle is to get rid of my clutter. Physical clutter first, mental clutter second, and emotional clutter...umm, well that is a continuing work in progress..As I've said before, I'm a packrat..But I think it's actually true what they say, the state of your home reflects the state of your mind, and I want my mind to be very clear. It seems I may have a use for my brainmeats after all, but only if I can clear off all of these old cobwebs first!

I need to learn to "continue", not "begin"..I'm always beginning, but never ending or completing. It's a mixture of things, but I really have to build up an edurance and tolerance of reality..(Yes, I know how strange that sentence sounded, but I didn't know any other way to express it.) No, that's not good enough actually, I don't want to just tolerate it, I want to really enjoy it. Let's see how far I can make it this time.

family matters

2007-06-25T23:00:00.000-07:00

So, I've been stalling my blog because I learned some sad news about one of the members of my family. I didn't know if this was the place to vent; I didn't know how to vent, or if I even had the right to. What happened was my sister took my niece to the doctor's for a long overdue checkup, and through a series of tests and examinations found out that she has a bone disease (something that she's had from birth) that is causing her bones to grow out of alignment. And they may not be able to do anything about it.

Now that doesn't mean she's going to die, but it does mean she could become disabled by it later on, because if they are indeed unable to help her, her bones will get progressively more deformed-it could become painful for her, painful in ways that are beyond physical discomfort. Actually nobody in my family is especially healthy. My sister (my niece's mother) has had Type 1 Diabetes since the age of 5, I already told you about my mother's cancer, and I have my own serious health problems. But most of our issues are the kind that are not seen on the surface-the average person could not look at any one of us and tell that we're chronically ill. That won't be the case with my niece. She will probably be ostracized for her illness, merely because she looks different, she'll be treated as unnatural..and there's nothing I can do about it either.

Beyond not knowing how to help her right now, I feel at a loss as to how to help prepare her mentally, physically, and emotionally for her future. How do you teach a person to be stronger than anyone she's known? We can make her tough, but I fear we'll sacrifice the open, sweet spirit she has right now. I want her to be wise, not pitiful. I don't want to make her into a clone of me, I want her to be better than me, because I know she can be. Heh, she's already better than me, she already has this ability to put herself out there, to enjoy life, even if it's hard at times. I don't want that to be taken away from her. I want to teach her to hold onto that, but I have to grab hold of it myself before I can even begin.

So, basically during my break I've been trying not to rationalize my frustration away, trying to seriously analyze it. Trying to convice myself that her life is not over, just because right now I can't make sense of how it will go on. She's not me. She won't give up on herself, I won't allow it, and neither will anyone else in my family. I'm also learning that it's okay to be frustrated with no one in particular, I don't have to be mad at myself or anyone else for what's happened, I still have a right to say, "It's not fair. Life is not fair." But I don't have a right to make this all about me. It's not my burden to bear, but I can help make it a little lighter for her.

into the black hole

2007-06-25T00:04:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's seems I've disappeared into some sort of Black Hole for the past...10-15 days, I think. Hmm...it was warm and dark, and quiet in there, so I'm coming back generally unscathed. Just in case any of you wanted to get lost in one of those things, it's perfectly safe, trust me. If you're like me you don't even need, or want, a flashlight.

Seriously, though, I've been gone from blogging for awhile, but I haven't forgotten any of my readers. I just needed to clear my head. Some stuff developed; I'm still processing it, and I'll blog about it in awhile. So I'm back, and "better" than ever..?? I'll get back to you guys on that point as well. Cheers, everyone!

(((END)))

truth over intoxication

2007-06-09T23:28:00.000-07:00

A wise woman once said about a great poet (paraphrased):

He chose truth over intoxication. He didn't want his poetry to cast a spell over anyone. He didn't want to possess the wizardry of words. Of course, only someone who is capable of magic in the first place is in the position to give it up.

A long time ago I believed that if I worked hard enough I could unlock this kind of magic within myself. I wanted it so bad, I thought I could taste it. I didn't yet realize that this is a gift that is given, not one that is won even through considerable efforts. I had this idea that everyone in the world was capable of the power to mesmerize, and that in order to do so, they had cracked some kind of code that I couldn't begin to decipher. As I aged, it was as if I was a cup being nudged closer and closer to the edge of a table, a cup who then tipped over and fell, crashing into shards. It was then that I had a sneaking suspicion that I would never be understood. For how could I expect anyone else to make a guess when I couldn't understand nor respect what I re-assembled into, and didn't quite grasp the pieces of myself I had left behind.

But still I made a choice. I made a choice to not choose, to remain fragmented in part. I was
afraid that the whole person I would potentially become would disappoint me much more than my shell of an existence. Little did I know that being broken would impact the lives of the people closest to me, having this childish notion that consequences only impact one person, the person responsible for setting them into motion. But the backlash caused by rejecting my life, and stilting my growth into adulthood would chafe everyone I've worked to become close to. Yet that chafing was brush fire compared to the blazing friction that exploded everytime I was jolted back into the reality of who I had allowed myself to become. (The real outbursts came when I saw that I wasn't being prodded toward the edge of that table, much the opposite: I willfully inched my way there.) I am still simmering, smoldering with anger for giving up on myself. I didn't even put up a fight.

I also understand now that I can be mad at myself, that this is a reasonable and honest way to feel, but that this anger cannot be pitted inwardly. It's simply too hot to handle, and I risk burning myself out. But how to drown a fire that has been steadily growing for longer than I can remember? Perhaps the answer is not to drown it alltogether, that would be impossible, but to quench it before it gets out of control...It may not be necessary to rid myself of it entirely. A firey, zealous spirit is plenty useful when channeled towards the proper mark. Right now I'm still trying to find my mark.

I'm also trying to learn to choose again, the right way this time. I want to choose truth over intoxication, as that great poet once did. I want to choose the reality of the world, and the people in it over the illusion I create in my mind. That illusion can be so powerful when it's held up like a photograph beside the harshness of the actual world, and your actual self, that you want to jump into that picture. To lose yourself in it. But I now understand more why that poet resisted falling into his own work, it is simply far to easy to let go of the concreteness of the things surrounding you, and near impossible to come back to earth.

Well, perhaps I do have some kind of magic. This ability to cast a spell over things like an anti-fairy, creating fractured fairytales..Ones where things are less than perfect in the end, and even princesses can have "not-so-good hours". Then again that may be another one of my illusions, which have much more to do with mental frustration than actual enchantment. Heh, I should be grateful for what I get. Grateful that my cup, though barely able to hold itself together, is still being filled up in the first place.

understanding validation

2007-06-08T16:07:00.000-07:00

To begin, I have a little question for the bloggers out there: What are your reasons for starting a blog? Well, I guess that's not such a "little" question, as your answers to that question will no doubt be infinitely varied, and personal to you. Gah, I've gotten ahead of myself, let me give you some backround as to why I've decided to ask such an open-ended question..

Recently I had a discussion with a blogger that brought to mind a matter I'd been giving different levels of consideration over the past few weeks: The connection between blogging and validation. I've wondered how hard it would be to go on writing and sharing if I had no support, and if I would (or even could) still do it. Mostly I've had no choice but to take up this line of thought because I have a very small audience. But what if I had no audience at all? Would I keep it up if I had no one counting on me, no one critiquing me? Maybe I had to ask the right question, maybe I had to go back and realize what the point of blogging, for me at least, is all about. I think it's a perfectly good idea for any blogger to ponder over, no matter the topic of their blog. Hence the question: "What are your reasons for starting a blog?"

In this blog's first entry, I claimed I didn't have a reason. In reality, I ignored the true reason out of guilt, and shame. Truthfully, a good chunk of why I started my blog was to be validated. But the need for validation, to my credit, doesn't stem from vanity, it comes from a need to feel connected to others. To feel that I have a place here in the world (even in the relatively small community of bloggers), and that my opinions and thoughts are legitimately worthy. Not that my entire opinion of myself rests on the backs of others, but that I can bounce ideas off of people and vice~versa. It was another avenue out of Isolation, and I think that's a good step to take.

This is not something limited only to my own experience, I'm sure there are many bloggers who've felt the same, whether or not they've been able to put it into words. The shame and guilt, I think, manifests when we drown out those feelings, unable to admit them even to ourselves-deeming them humiliating or disgraceful, when they're really just human. And the problem is that we start to poison the community by chastising those who we deem guilty of the sin of neediness (through comments, through posts, etc..), stifling them because when we don't like to admit the truth to ourselves, we definitely don't want to see it mirrored in others. But wanting to be heard and understood is not the same as begging for readers. It is actually okay to want to be liked, but it is not okay to change your vision, or your ideas in order to be liked.

Should that be the only reason to blog? To be deemed worthy by other people?? HECK NO!! Wouldn't that be playing a game we could never hope to win?? YES!! My point is that we should acknowledge it, own it, and move on to bigger and better things without villanizing it. No, validation is not the be all and end all in the the blogging world, but that doesn't make it a bad thing either, especially when we work to be moderate and reasonable in our views on giving and recieving it. I love to get feedback on what I write, because my thoughts and interests are an extension of me, and I hope that what I say with be important to others. Still, while I enjoy hearing from readers, I refuse to pander to anyone for that kind of attention. False compliments don't serve any purpose except to throw us back into a negative, self-serving cycles of bull-crap!

I congratulate everyone who has had the mental and emotional fortitude to go on writing without comments, as much as I urge those who are reading and lurking to come out and and let your opinions be known, for good or bad. Because that's another benefit of feedback, that it helps us to communicate openly with eachother in ways we may not be able to in the physical world. I've made a decision that I will keep on writing as long as possible, with or without validation. Would I give up what I've learned, or what I still have yet to learn about myself and the world through my writing because I'm the only one listening?? That would be another firm "Heck No." Working to be strong, independent, and outspoken means that I won't shutdown because I feel I'm not being heard. I'll just get louder.

easy to swallow

2007-06-06T15:04:00.000-07:00

Just a warning: This is not going to be easy to swallow. It's going to be exceedingly difficult to deal with, to come to terms with, because I've made the decision to be difficult. Not difficult in my usual ways of being antisocial, critical, or cynical, although I'm sure cynicism will always remain a somewhat useful part of me. It's challenging because I'm starting to refuse to be palatable anymore. Because I'm going to try not to internalize my anger anymore. I'm not going to "shut up", or "get over it", or any of the myriad of other things women like me are expected to do in this society. That means not just acknowledging my frustrations, but focusing them in a productive way instead of beating myself up over them.

I would love to say I've come to this decision on my own but there are many factors which are influencing me at the moment. A couple of noteworthy blog entries I've been checking out are The Rotund's entry on anger (specifically the anger of women), and an inspired post from Mandolin over at Alas, A Blog which focuses on ways to silence women. Both are excellent blogs in general, and these posts are definitely worth checking out (including the comments) when you have the time to fully digest them. And it's going to take awhile to digest them. I still am, and I'm still defining what it means to be strong, and capable, and angry-I said the "A-word"- in a way that doesn't damage either myself or other people-both men and women...especially other women. There is alot of potential for damage, about as much as there is for positive growth.

Growth is something very subjective. From the outside point of view, I've probably seen as not advanced very far, I'm not successful in the ways that count in the world, but I know myself pretty well. I've grown alot since I was younger. Admittedly, not all in good ways. I've gone through ups and downs with my anger that have shaped the way I see the world. When I was little, up until the last years of junior high, I was very eager to please. In fact, that was my specialty, you could say, Pleasing People. I felt it was something I was good at, making people feel at ease, being the teacher's pet, etc. But I guess you could also say I've always known something was wrong with that. (Not that it's not okay to be kind and to make others feel good, but "kind" and "nice" are completely different animals. Nice can exist without feeling, but kind cannot. Maybe more on that later..)

Well, towards the end of junior high, and the beginning of high school that feeling of something being amiss nagged me more and more, and I started to get angry. I was angry at my peers, at my parents (divorced and not living together), at my teachers, at society in general..But mostly at myself. I was angry because I felt forced to be a certain person, a reasonable, responsible, safe person. I felt obliged to shut my mouth and bear up under everything that was rocking my small, unsteady little world because I felt I had no right to speak because I was merely taking up space. Alot of space. Unfortunately I focused all my anger in a negative way, and failed myself both figuratively and literally. I think it would have helped to read the words at the links above, and realize that I:

A. Have a reason to be angry, and

B. Should be able to admit and express that anger without feeling guilty about it.

Sure, everything cannot be solved by the release of anger, but feeling safe enough to be angry, feeling that your anger is valid, can go a long way in growing up, growing "out", and "widening the scope of your lens", which is to say, allowing yourself to see and apprieciate more of the world.

Now that I feel more comfortable in expressing myself, I realize how hard it is to find people in the world who aren't afraid, or judgemental about female anger. People who aren't immediately dismissive. But part of maturing is also understanding that we can only change ourselves and not those around us. It's not fair to expect people to act certain ways based on my own experiences, or what I think I would/should do in a given situation. Plus, there are going to be people who see me as loud, angry and agressive no matter what I do, and ceasing to speak or write is not going to change their minds. But, even if it did, why would I want to appease them that way?

Anyway, I'm going to be doing more research on communication, anger, and some not-so-easy-to-swallow topics, so my posts may follow a pattern. I'll keep you updated.

the problem with normal

2007-05-30T12:34:00.000-07:00

There are some labels I can handle, like "scatterbrained" ('cause it's a fact, at least sometimes), or "crazy" ('cause that's what the voices in my head tell me!), along with a wide variety of others that are far less flattering. But one I've never been able to tolerate being lumped under is "normal". Even the thought of being considered "just normal" makes me me fume inwardly.

In fact, have you ever known someone who was flattered when referred to by that term? I haven't. It seems most people live their lives trying not to fit that designation. Oh sure, when you were very young being normal was seen as a special blessing (one that wasn't passed around to all of us). God favored you by making sure you didn't have any "weird bits sticking out", making sure everything was palatably packaged. Oftentimes you were possibly glad to fit-in even if it meant disappearing behind someone else's glow for awhile. But as you grew and matured, you felt the need to break away from the pack, and showcase your individuality. The operative word here is showcase, since the need to be recognized for being unique and gifted became imperative, even if it earned you more critiscism or name calling, like "peculiar".

Actually, the word peculiar has taken on a sort of brillant little halo for me, whereas the word normal will, in my opinion, always equal "random", "boring", and "generic". Does that make me weird? Hahaha! Then that makes me very happy! ;~)

So at this moment I'm thankful for every odd glance I've gotten, every curious remark, and every quirked eyebrow. Let's remind ourselves at least for today that being different can be a very goood thing!

"the matter of love"

2007-05-29T22:03:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've had a crush. I'd like to say I've outgrown a faze, but it's really taken some effort on my part to not be infatuated with someone. It's taken a sort of transference of feeling, a transference of love, if you could call it love. That somewhat false love is displaced on most everything except the things that really matter-well, the things I think should matter to me at this point in my life. Focused on things like inanimate objects, abstract ideas/ideals/desires. There should be enough of it to go around, but it seems the older I get the stingier I am. I'm a cheapskate with my affections, and I don't know if I want to change. Maybe it's that I don't know if I actually can change.

What I do know now that I'm a little bit older, and have a teensy bit more wisdom than when I was, say, 12 years old (*wink*), is that I really can't expect too much. I mean, I haven't earned real love; I haven't earned being able to give or recieve it because I'm not showing all my cards. I always hold a bit of myself back, that's the way it is with the women in my family (I know, what a convenient excuse that is), for many reasons, but especially for fear of being hurt. But that doesn't stop me from being disappointed and discouraged whenever my feelings are unrequited. And it doesn't stop me from expecting way too much from people...And the more I think about it, the more desperate I get to change my attitude and outlook. The more I think that I'm not getting what I need out of life because of the way I choose to operate it. Because I feel life's like a machine that could, in fact, be "operated"..But let's get back to the matter of love now.

I wouldn't say I'm down on love, but I've lost some of the hopefullness I had when I was younger. At the same time, I'm a romantic type-I feel there is that special person for me (although I subscribe to the idea that there could be more than one). A hopeless romantic is not a novel, or fresh idea, but I'll add another character quirk to the list: You might not have guessed it but...I'm cynical! That cyniscism beats down my over-expectation (adding to the hopelessness), and supposedly keeps me somewhat level. That cyniscism is starting to get tiring now, but it's like an old friend you just can't dump. Because that friend knows, just like you know, how things really are: That the world's a dangerous, lonely, and unfair place, and love just makes it more so. At the same time there is this profound sense of missing out on something, on missing the point of certain things, like I'm a child again wanting badly to understand things which pass just out of my mind's reach. At times it's comforting not to be apart of this game, to pretend to be "beyond it", but more often it isolates me when I just want to burst out and be free. Once again, I'm stuck fighting myself, when there are much bigger issues at hand.

You know I recieve so much love that I'm just coming apart at the seams with it, it's just knowing that I'm worthy of it that keeps me underground. In my little cave. Pushing love away. I wonder now what would happen if I were to let a little of it leak in...

But I'm not out of the loop yet, I'm still grasping at life-and I still want to fight for love. Deep inside I think I could deserve it one day. And I'm going to try my darndest to get it.

seven random nuggets!

2007-05-24T11:57:00.000-07:00

So, the admirable Celine tagged me to tell my readers 7 random things about myself. At first I was apprehensive because I automatically assume myself to be the most boring person ever! Plus, I figured I'm always talking about myself. Well, even the most boring person ever has-even more-stuff to talk about so here goes ;~):

(1) I'm a pack rat! I keep everything-from the smallest most insignificant scraps of paper and plastic, to huge bulky pieces of outdated furniture. Actually, I have to open my closet door slowly for fear of an avalanche of magazines from 1995 jammed at the top. On top of this, I'm obssessed with keeping things organized (tis a "good thing" says Martha Stewart), so there are bundles of neatly stacked crap in my apartment!

(2) I give librarians nightmares...I should actually have my card cut up, and be publically flogged! Why? Well, last time I borrowed books from the library, I didn't return them for.....*drum roll*.....2 YEARSSSSSSSSS!!!! Bring on the boos, and hatred. Don't worry, I've already banned myself from returning.

3) I think everyone has their vices: I've never taken a drink, don't do drugs, and tried a cigarette once when I was 12. However, I do have a wicked sweet tooth, and a caffeine "addiction". That's the only way I can explain my attraction to diet soda-you know the stuff that tastes like dirt water? So it all evens itself out in the end.

(4) I'm really a kid at heart: I love anime, comics, cartoons, and video games (I even have a couple of gamer magazine subscriptions...Yes, the old ones are jammed at the top of my closet!). I was one of those young people that never wanted to grow up because I hated adults, and didn't want to become one. I tried in my own little way to "rage against the system" when I was in high school (from teacher's pet to teacher's worst enemy). There's still a part of me that feels the way I did then.

(5) My first kiss happened when I was 4 years old. I made it happen, I was the aggressor, haha! I was sitting under the monkey bars during recess in preschool with the boy everyone liked. I looked at him, he looked at me..I decided that it was now or never! So I kissed him, and everyone froze. Then of course they oohed, aahed, and collapsed into giggles. It sort of ended when my sister (older than me by one year and attending the same school) came over, and threatened to tell our mother what I did. Believe it or not she kept that secret until I was a teenager! As silly as it seems, I wish now that I had that same kind of courage, and free-spritedness when approaching men.

(6) I sleep with the lights on. Partially fueled by my need to read in bed, partially because of childhood phobias...Nuff' said.

(7) I used to love to draw/sketch. I say "used to" because it's hard for me to find joy in doing it anymore, but I still do sometimes. I have talent for it, but being good at something doesn't always ensure that you want to make a go of it in life. Well, we'll see what happens, I won't box myself in just yet!

So, there they are..Seven little nuggets o' info about yours truly. Thanks to Celine, for taggin' me; it was very fun, and much easier than I thought it would be. If I had more readers I would definitely tag someone, but if anyone happens by this blog, consider yourself tagged.

"You're it!"

all things in moderation

2007-05-22T16:06:00.000-07:00

It's been a not-so-good day. Actually more like a not-so-good hour, since I know this feeling will pass. I'm unable to completely stop the mental tape from playing in the back of my mind. The recording is something like this:

"You are worthless, stupid, lazy, and boring. You are ugly. You know you don't deserve anything. Your words don't carry weight."

To be able to interact with others, to even write this entry, I have to turn down the volume on that tape for a few moments. I'm worried that I'll never be able to scrap it. It seems to keep skipping at certain points and then replaying from the beginning..The statement I'm having the hardest time with at the moment is the one that says "Your words don't carry weight." This is where the record skips whenever I gush excessively over the things people do or say: Over thanking them, over praising them. Eventually driving them batty.

I recently realized it's not about being phony (Coming from the Holden Caulfield School of Mental Distress, I'm predisposed to assuming all faults must stem from phoniness! *sarcasm*) -it's about feeling that nothing I say has an impact. Therefore, I must say it more emphatically than other people. I mean everything I say; I just say too much, too strongly. It can be annoying to say the least. Why doesn't it have an impact? Because I'm "worthless, stupid, lazy, and boring", because I "know" I "dont deserve anything." It sounds so dramatic when I put it that way. What I really mean is that I gush to make up for what I think I lack. The things that some may hold against me.

So instead of saying thanks one time, I must say it over and over. I can't just like someone, I have to love them. I have to say sorry 10x over-even (and sometimes especially) for things I haven't done wrong, or have nothing to do with. And it goes on, and on with me beating myself up over what I could've, would've, should've done in any given situation. Somehow I think people will like and respect me for this, but they end up treating me as weak and broken, which I can understand. I feel broken, in the sense that it's as if something has gone wrong inside, has slipped out of place, and can't be fixed. At least not yet, or without some help. This whole cycle is tiring and, in fact, quite boring! For everyone involved!

To break these old habits takes courage: The courage to be yourself, not to shrink away from what you are. Not to try to hide what you are, or shift focus away from it. I know I have inner reserves of strengh, but courage is something I'm still testing out. I want to experiment with accepting myself, and with allowing others to accept/not accept what I say or do without feeling I owe them more than is reasonable, or more than they're asking. I'm actually used to not being well-liked, and being misunderstood, but that hasn't made me dislike these facts any less. The trick is to be moderate, maintaining a good sense of self-image, but without going overboard and alienating others by being aloof. It's a balancing act, and it's hard to know where to draw the line.

...Wow..The next post needs to be more positive than this, it's getting too dreary even for me.

a very full rant

2007-05-17T21:29:00.000-07:00

I'm a walking stereotype.

I have at least two strikes against me: I'm black and I'm a woman. Oh, yeah, I'm fat, too. That's a curse word in this society, so excuse my language! In my neck of the woods, I get more flack for being overweight than anything else, so let's stick with that subject for now. (Note: Don't worry, this isn't a skinny bash, it's an ignorant bash; now we can move on. ;-))

So, what's the big deal about weight? Does it all really have to do with this childish notion of "fitting-in" at whatever cost, being popular, or making the cut? Is it all about being able to love freely: giving and recieving; finding the perfect mate or that special someone? Is it concern for health that motivates some people's obsession with those numbers on the scale? Well it could be one or all these things and many more for people, but for me, the real issue is the need to feel validated as a person. It's when your personal existence is recognized as equal, and when you can be estimated in the same capacity as any other human being, be it good or bad.

Some of my happiest moments occur when I realize I can relate to people without having to worry, or obssess over what I look like. But that's not always the case. Often times I'm on the sidelines before I have the chance to play. Well really, this is something that happens to everyone, all the time, and it's nothing out of the ordinary. It's something we are all guilty of: Judging a person, and especially judging them at first glance based on their looks. While we may not get it right all the time, or even much of the time, judgement does have it's place, although it's a discussion for another post. (Never completely believe a person who says "I never judge anyone."...In fact steer clear of that person, they probably don't know where their own hind quarters are located!) What I'm referring to is stereotyping, something much more malicious.

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, stereotyping is: "Something conforming to a fixed or general pattern; especially a standardized mental picture that is held in common by members of a group and that represents an oversimplified opinion, prejudiced attitude, or uncritical judgement."

Hmm..I'm not sure the looks and comments I get can be called "uncritical". Most times I'm likely (and some would say, "lucky") to be overlooked, but there are just as many times when I'm treated as a child, unable to perform even simple tasks without trouble, or condescended to by people who think they are doing me a favor, perfoming their daily good deed by looking me in the eyes. There are also people with the mistaken belief that overweight people don't know they're fat, and need that fact repeated to us in the loudest, crudest way possible. Alot of men treat me as if I'm asexual, or I should be. It certainly would make me easier to label (Would that label read "Return to Sender"?). And it never fails to frustrate me when I can see that look of shock when I open my mouth to speak: "You mean this beast can actually string a sentence together???" *Holding chest* Alert the media!!

But all joking aside, it's this feeling of isolation that really crushes my spirit. This idea that people are looking at me and talking about me, but not taking me, my life, or my contributions seriously (in fact, not expecting much from me in the first place) that would make a normal, happy person paranoid. And let me make myself clear, for all of you who are quick to point the finger at fat people for not simply losing weight: It's not the fat itself, it's the reaction other's have to it. It's the repulsion, often not based on concerns for the health or well-being of a person, that makes you feel like you have some sort of deadly, catching disease, like an affliction. And for me, it's also that loaded word: FAT. (I use the word fat in this post, because it's likely to get your attention, not because I support it's conotations.) By definition, the word isn't so bad..But in general, everyday use, it can be devastating.

So, to cure me of my aversion to the word, I'll jot down some statements for recitation based on things that I've learned over the years and you've probably heard once or twice before:

GLUTTONY does not equal FAT. (repeat 4x)

FAT does not equal LAZY or OUT OF CONTROL. (repeat 8x)

FAT does not equal UNHEALTHY. (repeat 10x)

FAT does not equal UNHAPPY. (repeat 8x)

FAT does not equal DESPERATE to lose WEIGHT. (repeat 10x)

FAT people do actually NEED to EAT. We haven't learned how to exist on sunlight alone yet! (repeat 8 times)

THIN does not equal ACTIVE. (repeat 6x)

THIN does not equal GOOD, HEALTHY, or HAPPY. (repeat 15x)

Being THIN does NOT GUARANTEE ETERNAL HAPPINESS. A person can have a wonderful life, full of triumphs and challenges, while being fat. FAT doesn't have to stunt your life if you don't let it-this goes out to anyone struggling with their weight, wether they're fat or thin. You don't have to wait to lose weight to start living, that's just a waste of your time! (repeat 30 x, and then as often as neccessary)

And finally, hold your breath:

FAT is not the ENEMY. (repeat daily, all the time, especially while looking at yourself after brushing your teeth in the bathroom mirror.)

...Oh, and f.y.i.:

THIN isn't the ENEMY either.

And I really do mean this. We need to accept and appreciate all types of bodies as good, and healthy. We've really got to widen our horizons. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I have a long, long way to go, but I'll leave you with a little anecdote before I end this post:

My mother and I were taking care of my niece a couple of months ago, when my mom let slip the "dirty word"...FAT! She actually called herself fat because we can be rather self-deprecating in my family. Well, my niece is five (with an elephant's memory) so there's no backsies on that type of thing, and we're very sensitive not to give my niece some sort of complex about her weight, since she has a genetic predisposition to being overweight, and since the age for eating disorders keeps dropping.

My niece considered a moment before saying, "Grandma, don't say that. You're not FAT, *pauses and looks at her meaningfully* you're FULL!" Well, besides wondering how she could be so adorable, I've started to want to believe that statement. Yep, I'm full of life, full of laughter, and kindness...and alot of other things (some not so good too, but all very, very human). I'm just usually too distracted to see them. We all are pretty full, haha, if this is not getting too corny!

Anyway, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this subject. Not only on fat, but on other stereotypes that you have had to overcome.

on goals and changing direction

2007-05-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking alot about goals: What mine are, and how I can achieve them.

The first question has been causing me a bit of trouble. You see, I realized that I never had any real, concrete goals as a child. I was the kind of child who grew glassy eyed at the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" (The kind of child that mumbled the answer, and switched the subject!) 'When I grew up'??? No, I needed to be successful "now", not later...That was the point, right? To succeed? Well, I was so focused on surviving, on getting to the next year, and the year after, that I forgot to plan my life. I forgot to find out what I wanted to do, and not only that, but what steps I would need to take to get to my destination. It seems I made alot of stops along the way, some less necessary than others, and then eventually I just got off the bus altogether.

One of those unneccessary stops was: Focusing on Others' Strengths and My Weaknesses.

This has been a destination in my life that has stunted me from when I was very young. Feeling that I was weak or defective somehow caused me to always see myself as "second best", or worse yet, not in the running at all. It didn't matter if praise was heaped upon me, I always saw someone with something-some talent, quality, physical characteristic, lifestyle-that I wanted..That I felt was better than what I had. I was a bright and talented child, and it should have been enough for me; I wish it was. Instead of being humble, asking for help and being happy for others successes, I became proud, and refused to engage. I just checked out, first mentally, then emotionally, then physically.

That leads me to my next stop: Quitting Myself and Depending on Others.

By refusing to play the game I cheated myself out of life. I also became so unsure of my footing, and so unaware of the consequences of my own choices that I started leaning upon others almost exclusively to make the major decisions in my life. When I was younger, I thought this was freeing. I thought, "Who knew you could just refuse to do certain things?. I can just stop going to school, stop speaking to other people."..And eventually stop going outside of my home altogether. It's with a rueful smile that I think about myself at that point, and what a coward I was and still am in many ways. It takes more strength of will and character to choose to live than it does to-choose to-merely exist. Yes, either way you are making a choice, either way you will reap what you sow. I didn't know this back then, though. I actually thought I could get out of all of it without having to take any responsiblity for it or for myself. How I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that facing the consequences is part of life. Taking chances is part of life-a good part, that should not be missed...So many things..This all seems so simple to me now.

It seems I could go on forever, talking about where I allowed that bus to take me..But the fact is that I can't go back. I can't change what's already happened, and that dreaded question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" just grows more large and looming now that I have, in fact, grown up. There is no more time for excuses, no more handing over control of my life to other people. I realize that I will always struggle with issues of power, control, and feelings of worthlessness. I will fear failure for a long time...And I will continue to "fail" all my life, meaning I will continue to make bad decisions, to dissapoint myself-that's normal. I need to be okay with that, and not hate myself for that.

I've started to make some goals, the first one being to reach out to those who have reached out to me in the past. I'm going to try to not get my hopes up (A foul habit I have of getting discouraged the moment things don't work out the way I want them to is yet another unneccessary stop that I won't go into at the moment.), and realize that those who've I've turned away from in the past don't owe me anything now. I'm am going to have to work, to fight in some instances, for their friendships..Mostly I'll be fighting myself, and my "will to fail".

This is the first step: [Re]Opening the floodgates of Communication

Wish me luck, I'm going to need a heck of alot of it!

"eating crow"

2007-05-08T23:19:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had someone make you so angry, you didn't know what to say? Well, I'm the opposite. I communicate well on an everyday basis, but on those special occasions where I become a raging bull, it's as if my mind becomes clearer, and I'm better able to articulate what's going on in my head. I realize I should've been on the debate team (if I'd ever finished high school) everytime a situation like this occurs. Honestly words are my only defense. My physical body can be seen as intimidating, but I trust my mind more.

Today I was fighting a losing battle, as I am most times. I knew I was in the wrong, but I didn't care. I have too much pride, so no matter how deep in crap I am, I'll try to wiggle myself out. There are times in the middle of such arguements that I can see myself failing. I'm being silly, or pious, or unreasonable-even illogical. I think to myself, "Well, it all doesn't matter as long as I can convince the other person that I'm in the right." But it eats me up later.

Sometimes it's best to let the other person get the better of you. It humbles you, reminds you that the world doesn't revolve around you. That you can be...*swallow*...wrong. It helps me to be able to look in the mirror without despising myself. Still, knowing that you are wrong and feeling that you are wrong are two different things.

I was fighting with my mother about something much more trivial than our usual arguements. I knew I was wrong, and she was right, but that didn't matter to me. You see, my mom was diagnosed with cancer over a year ago. Our lives were never what could be considered great, but as you can imagine, they are now infinitely worse, if only because cancer has you playing a guessing game with your body, and your heart that you are sure to lose. I guess I'm mad about it..I'm angry that this has happened, and that I feel I have no one to talk to about it. My mom has support wherever she goes, all the time; and I'm honestly jealous. Of course that makes me a horrible person, no doubt. I'm rotten for so many other reasons, but that one trumps all.

So, that is what was playing in the back of my mind during our argument. How sick I am of talking about her, about her cancer, and how I feel trapped and abandoned by the people who are "supposed" to care about me (while at the same time I know those people owe me nothing). How utterly depressed I'm starting to feel again. So I picked a fight, and she called me on it. Usually I'd be riled up enough to start something, probably due to the fact that I haven't figured out what to do with all that anger yet (besides blogging). I tried to get into it, but I failed myself. I just couldn't find a good enough reason to go on..I keep thinking, "What happens if I lose her? Will I think back on this moment and curse myself for acting so immature?" Yes, I know I would.

It's the first time in a long time that has happened to me, that I was lost for words. But I'm glad it happened, and that I could grow from it a little-just plain grow up a little. I knew I was wrong, and I stopped myself. She doesn't know what happened, but I do, and that's good enough.

I'm starting to have faith that one of these days I might completely get over myself.

this is where it all begins...

2007-05-07T22:29:00.000-07:00

So, I'm not really sure what the standard procedure is here. I'll just say, I'm not starting out with a big bang. I just need to sort out everything that's going on inside my head. Sometimes people just need to start something, without knowing what will come of it, and without concerning themselves with the consequences. Not yet, anyway.

I'm calling my blog lacuna bubbles. Lacuna is a word meaning "blank space" or "missing part". I guess I see myself as that blank space; an empty bubble that wants to be filled. This blog will act as a sort of diary and commentary, and will document my progress, or lack thereof.

In future posts I'll explain more about myself, who I am, what's going on in my life. But sometimes I expect I'll launch into all of it without explaining the backstory. So it may be a little broken for people just coming in. I'll try to update whenever possible.

Welcome, everyone.